The Shyness Project

Archive for the tag “reality”

Some more honesty for you

Two nights ago (Monday) my dad left clothes laid out all over my bed that were to be put away.

It was late at night and I was really tired and just wanted to flop in bed, but these clothes were in the way.  I tossed them to the pile of other clothes at the side of my bed.  Then I looked at the nice laid out clothes all carelessly tossed to the side and sure to get creases, and I just started getting emotional.  I started tearing up and was upset with my dad for piling all these clothes on my bed when I just wanted to go to bed, and picked up the clothes and carefully laid them down on top of some other stuff on my floor instead so they were flat and wouldn’t get wrinkled.  That made me feel better, but I was still emotional and started crying.  It wasn’t really about the clothes though, just at that moment all my frustrations came to the surface and I just had to let it out.  So I cried for a little bit in bed thinking about it all, then after a little while stopped crying and was fine.  Sometimes a good cry is all I need to feel better and get back into the swing of things.  I can’t always keep positive and be in the best of moods, I have my ups and downs like every person does.  Sometimes there’s not even a real concrete reason for feeling upset, it’s just a weird feeling or mood.

I’ve been feeling that mood lately.  I’ve been trying to act more energetic and enthusiastic but I just have been in this weird, more reserved mood.  I guess I just have to prepare myself a little better to get into that energetic mood, like listen to upbeat music in the morning or something.  I’ve just been tired and not feeling the best and it’s hard to pretend otherwise.

I had a good conversation with a friend I haven’t gotten to talk with much one-on-one several days ago about our futures after high school, and that was cool.  We just sat on the sidewalk curb in the shade and talked after three hours of picking up trash in the blazing hot sun.  I learned some more about her that I didn’t know before and I was glad that she opened up to me and I opened up to her too.  It was nice, and I’m glad we got to talk like that.

I’ve been saying more funny things at school too whenever I can think of something like that to add.  Today for instance one friend was saying how she loves science but hates dissecting things, and with a wry smile I told her to just pretend it was cheese and think like she was cutting cheese.  Mind you it would be squishy, smelly, disgusting cheese I said, but think of it that way.  This made her laugh quite a bit and she said that was great.  I’ve just been saying more things like that without allowing myself to think about it too much and be too much of a perfectionist with what I say even if it doesn’t make the most sense.

And lastly, tonight was the last night of my psychology class before the final next week.  I missed out on Senior Awards night (I heard I got an award from the California Scholarship Federation club though!), but I’m glad I decided to go to class instead.  The lesson was on phobias and disorders and it was all very interesting to me, and hearing about some of the cases my teacher has come across working as a psychologist was really cool to me.  She explained the story of one person who got over their fear of dogs and how they worked her up to confronting her fear very slowly and carefully, and eventually at the end she even adopted a dog!  It was awesome to hear about and it must be great helping people work on phobias like that.  There was another lady who wouldn’t go anywhere without her husband, especially shopping, because she feared she was going to have a panic attack and collapse and all these people would be crowded around her.  So my teacher drove with her to the store and told her to just go in the store and stay there for 15 to 20 minutes.  She didn’t have to interact with anyone or buy anything, just stay there.  She was taking a long time and my teacher started getting worried, but then the lady came out triumphantly with 2 bananas in her hand.  My teacher got worried and thought she must have stolen the bananas because she had a huge fear of standing in line and there was no way she had waited in line for those bananas.  But it turns out that she felt good enough that she waited in the short line and bought two bananas, so they had celebratory bananas.  That was a good story too.

At the end of class Patricia started talking to the teacher about the DSM-IV book she was passing around.  I joined in on the conversation too, and also asked the teacher if she always knew she wanted to be a psychologist.  (I had never really talked to her after class before so I’m really glad I stayed and talked to her.)  She said she originally thought she was going to go into law, but then she took some psychology classes and really loved them and wanted to learn more.  I told her that I’m a high school senior and was thinking about psychology as a possible major, and was really interested in the subject too.  We asked if she had any other psych classes she teaches because we both really like her, and she mentioned a few other classes.  We then said goodnight to her as we were the only ones left in the classroom and had been talking for quite a bit, and walked downstairs together.  Patricia and I talked some more while we waited for our rides and she said she has a bit of a driving phobia too, and I told her I don’t like driving much either.  When my dad came I got up and opened my arms for a hug, and we hugged for the first time.  Before it had always been friendly goodbye waves and big smiles, but I probably won’t get to say goodbye to her after the final so I wanted to hug her before we parted.  Hopefully we’ll still keep in touch, she works at a hospital that I might want to volunteer at sometime, so she should be there for a few more years before she retires.  We exchanged emails and numbers earlier too, and I’ve been trying to help her add me on Facebook but she hasn’t figured it out yet.  I can’t add her because her privacy settings are really strict, but hopefully she will figure it out soon so we can talk using the “box” as she says, or chat, haha.

Driving home with my dad I felt happy though, the hug and conversation with my teacher made me feel good.  I looked up at the purple-blue sky and felt more optimistic and hopeful than I have felt the past few days.  I think I’m starting to get out of this funk I’ve been in.

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