The Shyness Project

Archive for the tag “open”

Wrapping up the Vulnerability and Energy Goal

I’m going to wrap things up with the vulnerability and energy goal now.  I’ve given the link to this blog to my two closest friends, though I think only one has actually read it so far.  Her reaction was good and she didn’t feel sorry for me, didn’t try to give me advice, and nothing really changed.  My imagination of the worst occurring and any of those things happening didn’t come true, and I don’t think I made a bad choice in telling her.  She thinks this project is “badass” of me in that I took one of my toughest insecurities and just owned it by exploring my feelings and learning from them.  She said that she feels so honored, blessed, and happy to be my friend, and lucky to have me in her life.  I’m very appreciative of all this and think it’s really nice to be completely accepted and loved when you show the real you and can just be yourself with someone.

I’ve noticed several changes in me since I started this project.  Recently it’s really been apparent that I raise my hand a lot more than I used to, I dress up when I want to, I open up more about sensitive subjects, and I’m just less worried about what others think in general and have a better self-image.

This past weekend at a college orientation class, I asked a lot of questions when others were quiet.  I didn’t feel nervous speaking among the group and I asked my questions with ease and confidence.  I didn’t leave anything uncertain in my head and asked about everything that I wasn’t sure about.  I feel like I see myself as a talkative and confident person now, and see myself as feeling shy only in certain situations.

I’m taking a summer class too, statistics, whoo!  I’m trying to get another big subject out of the way to make things easier for me later on.  On the first day of stats class, I talked to the people around me easily.  It was a breeze and I didn’t feel awkward since I expected positive results.  I noticed that the cousin of a friend was in the class right away and even though I don’t know her well at all we both recognized each other and I opened my arms for a hug.  I sat nearby to her and met her friend, who I think said his name was Crystal.  To greet me he stuck out his hand wrist flexed down as if to show off his nails, and I wasn’t sure what to do so I just did it back and we laughed and he said hey girrrl in the a soft sweet voice.  I asked the younger teenage girl next to me if she was added into the class already and about the textbook (easy conversation starter for a class), and she sort of answered me in a really low voice that I couldn’t hear and she went back to whispering with her friend and giggling.  I got the vibe that she thought I was weird for trying to talk to her and didn’t want to talk.  Oh well, I tried.  Then a lady probably in her 30s sat down next to me, and I decided to try talking to her instead and asked her similar questions.  She was friendly and talked back fully to me and I’d say we got along well.  I liked her and she had a good, friendly vibe.

The teacher has been great, he is actually really young and has a thick Chinese accent.  He is delightfully geeky and has a great sense of humor; I could definitely see him as being a cartoon character in “Futurama” or something. He is very good at making everything very clear too and goes over several examples until there is no doubt that you understand what he is trying to teach.  He makes everything funny and memorable whenever he can too.  I heard that he’s even got a Ph. D in statistics, so I’m very glad that I was able to add his class and learn from him!

I’ve been working on some multiple goals at once lately as some things have taken longer than I expected.  I’m trying to get involved in a speaking group called Toastmasters but it’s taking longer than I thought to join and it’s only once a week so I won’t be able to write about it that much for a little while.  I’ve also been doing a ton of exercise and have been trying to eat healthy. (There is hardly any junk food in the house and I haven’t baked cookies in a long time, though I might cave in soon!)  I’ve been driving on my own too to get to my stats class and have been taking walks by myself sometimes when I have the time. I can write about those things in more detail soon, sorry I’ve not been the most active blogger lately. It gets harder to blog when you get really busy in the summer!  Thanks for reading!

Confiding, Apologizing, and Being Silly

On Friday I went swing dancing to see my friend Billy, who I hadn’t seen in a year since he moved to Washington after college graduation.  It was really good to see him; he hadn’t changed at all.  I couldn’t believe it had already been a year since we had to say goodbye to him, time went by quickly. It probably seems that way because we haven’t gone up to swing dancing much this year whereas last year we were practically there every other week.  During the long car rides there and back, Angela, my brother Sean, and I talked about some funny things and some serious things.  I love how Angela and I can just be open and honest with our feelings and rant to each other when we need to and always be there for each other.  She’s told me that she truly considers me to be her sister, and that I know more about her than any person living.  She knows more about me than anyone else too and we have so many experiences together that we can talk about anything and understand each other.  She knows so much about me and she loves me for who I am.  I never feel like I’m not appreciated and feel total unconditional acceptance from her, which is an incredible thing. 

During swing dancing I finally talked to one of my friends after wanting to talk to him for a while.  We were dancing and he told me briefly about some of the bad things that were going on lately.  Things had been a little weird between us ever since last year when we went on a date and there was all this confusion from that.  I didn’t think one date meant we were dating while he did, and it got very complicated and stressful.  It was really hard when I finally had to bring up that I wanted to make it clear that I considered him just a friend, and he took it really hard and things were never the same.  While dancing and after when I pulled him aside I talked to him about how sorry I was for hurting him and that I never meant to lead him on if I did.  I told him how much I was stressed out about the whole situation and that’s why it took me so long to bring it up.  I didn’t know what he was thinking and I didn’t know how to bring it up.  He said that means a lot to him and he was sorry too.  He said he didn’t mean to make me feel as bad as he did. A lot of bad things were going on and he kind of took it as an excuse to dump everything on me and was sorry.  He told me in a platonic way that he loves me and I’m one of his few friends and always looks forward to me coming up. I told him I love him too and think he’s a really sweet guy and that I was really sorry.  We hugged a tight hug and from then on out he seemed much happier and was smiling a lot.  The air was cleared, and things felt like old times again.  I’m glad we finally talked.

On Saturday we all met up again except this time at Angela’s house. We had a lot of fun baking, playing card and board games, and taking funny pictures.  I went into Angela’s room with her and found all these clothes that I could put on to be funny, like a blue cape and a horned hat as well as a Star Trek toy gun she had gotten for her birthday.  I put all the stuff on while Angela laughed, and then I opened her door quietly and creeped around the corner to where our friends were standing.  I jumped into the doorway and started blasting the toy gun that made “pew pew” sounds while lighting up and then ducked back for cover.  It was funny and silly and they all came to find me and found some stuff to wear too and we took awesome pictures.  They are really a great group of friends and I always feel so comfortable with them.  It was a very good weekend, and it was great to have most of the gang reunited again.(minus Brian) They’re all about 7-8 years older than me at 25 and 26, but we get along so well that you’d think we were the same age.  They’re always forgetting that I’m still in high school and never really think about it.  I hardly ever think about the age difference either.  I don’t really feel or act my age, I guess growing up with two brothers 8 and 11 years older than me made me feel like I was the same age too and I act as mature as them.


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