Meeting a Blogging Friend and a Buddhist monk

On Friday afternoon I picked up my friend Angela for a trip to a nearby town.  I was going to meet a long time blogging friend in person for the first time, Kathy from Pocket Perspectives, as well as her friend Jampa, who is a Buddhist monk from New Zealand who would be staying with her for a few weeks.  I was excited at the prospects of meeting someone in person from blogging, as well as meeting a Buddhist monk for the first time.

I decided to be the one to drive to get some practice driving to a new place.  The directions seemed pretty straight forward, which was nice, and I found it no problem.   We got there early so we waited in the car for a bit, then went in and greeted Kathy.   I went in for a hug right away, and immediately we all felt at ease and comfortable.  We all got along really well and Kathy seemed very down to earth and sweet.  We sat down and talked a little while in the kitchen, mostly about blogging and how encouraging and supportive we’ve found so many bloggers to be.  We both used to get nervous about pressing the “publish” button with all we were revealing about ourselves, but neither of us have really come across any mean people (though she did come across one).  After a little while, she set us up with some cushions on her living room floor and left the room to get Jampa.

Soon enough a tall man wearing red robes entered the room behind her, and he greeted us with handshakes, clasping our hands with both of his hands.  He took a seat in a cushion across from us, so the four of us all sat in a circle.  He first asked me about myself and my blog, and we talked about that for a little while.  He asked if I was shy, and I said for me it’s a situational thing.  I used to think it was my identity and made it out to be so much more than it was, but in truth it was always a situational thing.  The difference between now and a year ago has much to do with that realization, and that many of the fears I had I’ve now faced and no longer fear them like I did.  He said he was once very shy and unsure of himself, which surprised Kathy, but he said it was true.  It wasn’t until he became a monk that that all changed.  He talked to us about college too and asked what we were studying.  It was a nice, heartfelt conversation and we all felt included.  The word I’d use to describe Jampa is jovial.  I’ve never met a person so happy and full of love.  He was very friendly and talkative in his New Zealand accent and it was so cool getting to know him.  He had a great laugh and laughed often and was always smiling.  You might think of a monk as a quiet, wise old man, but he was quite the opposite.

After we talked a while, he asked if we wanted to try some meditation.  We said we did, so he had us cross our legs or get comfortable in whatever way worked for us, and clasp our hands in our lap.  He told us we would do a short meditation.  He instructed us to close our eyes or to keep them only slightly open.  We got comfortable, then he began.  His voice was very soothing, and he took us through different parts of the body to focus on first and bring up in our mind.  We did that a while, and I felt my cheeks flush and I felt warm and relaxed.  Then after going through different parts of the body, he had us focus on our breathing.  We did that for a while.  Then he went back through all the different parts of the body to bring ourselves back to where we started.  He closed by saying how we will strive to live in the moment today and not to worry.  To bring us back he said we now can become aware of our friends in the room.  My mind was really calm and I couldn’t think as well then, but soon enough I was able to get it together so I could ask him more questions about Buddhism.

He told us about his journey of becoming a monk.  He had seen a monk one day when he was 19, and just decided that was what he wanted to be.  He was an angry teenager then and didn’t like people, and thought it would be a good way to isolate himself from others.  His parents made him wait a few years to make sure that was really what he wanted to do, and then a few years later when he still had his mind set on it, they let him train for it.  Once he got into training, he learned that if he was going to be a monk it wouldn’t be about isolating himself from people at all, but instead be about caring about people and loving people.  At first this threw him off but with the more training he got the more he realized this was the right path for him.  He studied for several years in India with many other monks.

We asked him quite a few questions and learned a lot from him.  I asked him about how you can stop thinking about something when the worries keep creeping up, and how you can stop thinking ahead and about the future.  He talked about how we are never guaranteed a future, and to bring the future and past into the now is to take away from it.  He said he’s not saying you shouldn’t have goals, but that you shouldn’t make your entire life about those goals and live for them when you should be living for the present moment.  He also said there’s no point in worrying.  What he says is very true, and I really want to work on that myself.  He said he does not consider himself a teacher and he is still learning how to do these things too, and that we are all learning together.  I asked him about staying in shape and if monks run, and he laughed and said they can’t run because there’s a risk of disturbing something in nature.  He says they do prostrations though.  They can’t throw things either in case they might hit something.

It was all very interesting, and it was a pleasure and very much an honor to meet both Kathy and Jampa.  It was an experience I will always treasure.  At the end I asked if I could take pictures with them, and they agreed, so I set up the camera timer on one of their tables and dashed back and forth so I could get us all in the picture.  We took several to make sure we got some that everyone liked.  Kathy invited us back if we would like to come again, and we said we would.  It was a great afternoon, and the drive home was very peaceful.  We stopped at a supermarket as Angela had to buy some batteries, and I felt really peaceful in the store and made sure to smile at everyone because we had talked about kindness and how simply smiling at people can be an act of kindness. We talked about mean people in the world and why they are the way they are, and how they’re really just hurting and want to be happy like everyone else.

Later that night Angela and I drove up to our favorite swing dance place.  Things were going great until we got all the way up there and Angela got a scary call that her dog had gotten out and was lost.  Her dog is very neurotic as she put it and easily freaks out.  The fact that she got out and was lost in a very bad neighborhood was very frightening and Angela feared the worst.  She was extremely upset and had to drive all the way back to try and find her, and seeing her so upset and tearful made me have to fight back tears too as I assured her everything was going to be ok.  It would have been horrible if something had happened to her dog and I couldn’t believe this was just now happening.  She wanted to drop me off at the swing dance with my friends Luke and Stu, so we agreed, and she headed home.  I was really worried about her though and it was really hard to enjoy myself in the beginning, despite all that I’d learned that day about living in the moment.  Luckily about two hours later I got a call from her saying she found her dog and that her dog was ok though terrified.  I was relieved, and was able to enjoy myself more then and tried to really live in the moment with some of the dances, and those dances were great.  I was glad everything turned out to be ok and it wasn’t a horrible night like I thought it was going to be. It actually became a good night, and was quite an eventful day.

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Meeting New People On the First Day of Class

About two weeks ago I had my first day of school at the other college I take classes from.  The day started out stressful because I couldn’t find a parking space despite getting there 50 minutes early. Eventually, I just ended up driving across the street and parking in the overflow lot.

I hurried to my class, and found the building right away, though I did have to ask someone where the room was.  When I got there, there were some people waiting outside.  I stood there with them for a bit too.  Finally I decided to walk towards a girl and start talking to her.  I asked if she was waiting for the Abnormal Psychology class to start.  She said she was, and I asked whether she was taking it for a GE or for fun and talked about the crazy parking.  It was difficult talking to her though.  I was asking questions, but she wasn’t asking anything back, and she didn’t seem like she really wanted to talk or be friendly.  It was a little frustrating.  Then the door opened and people started filing in to the room.

I had noticed a girl who was standing by herself quietly, and had a hat on her head and seemed like an artistic person for some reason.  I thought I could either keep trying to talk to this girl who wasn’t all that friendly and didn’t seem to want to be friends, or I could try talking to someone else.  I decided to start over and talk to someone else.  The seats were paired up so I took the seat near the back next to the artistic looking girl which was also nearby the other girl.

I got my textbook out (as it’s a good conversation starter) and put it on my desk.  I thought of what I could say to the girl next to me to start a conversation.  I felt a little self-conscious about trying to talk with the new girl while having the other girl right there who kind of brushed me off.  But luckily, as I was thinking over my options, the artistic girl pointed to my book and asked, “How much did the book cost?”

Yes!  She wants to start a conversation with me!

I smiled and said I got it off Amazon and went into that. I introduced myself too and offered my hand, and she said her name is Kim.  (I quickly wrote her name down right away because I hate forgetting people’s names, and wrote my name in the top right corner of my notebook too so she could see it.)  I asked her if she was taking the class for a GE and found out that she wants to major in psychology actually and loves it.  I told her I love it too and am considering that and Sociology for a major.  I also went into how I’m thinking about Occupational Therapy.  We then talked about the parking and our schedules and what other classes we had, and she was really friendly and sweet.  She asked me a lot of questions and I asked her questions back too.  Often I feel like an interrogator the first time I meet someone because I ask more questions about them than I get asked in return, but this time I could tell she totally wanted to befriend me.  We both enjoyed the class and liked the professor.  We exchanged numbers and at the end she waited for me to gather my stuff and asked where my next class was.  I said it was in the Liberal Arts building, and she said hers was too, so I said we should walk together.  We did and talked and it was nice.  She asked me if I like the cold and I said not really, and neither does she.  We talked about the high schools we went to, and I said how I had played tennis matches against the tennis players at her school and they were a really good team, and she said she plays badminton.  Then when we got to our class we parted ways and said we’d see each other Thursday.  It was a great start to my day and it was so nice to meet someone so friendly and eager to know more about me.

Then I had Women’s US History 1877 – present.  A lot of desks were already taken and I had to make a quick decision of where to sit, so I chose a seat next to a girl with her phone out.  I try and pick random people to talk to and usually just pick a seat that’s going to put me around several people and go for it.  She had a straight face and I couldn’t read if she’d want to talk to me or not, but I decided to ask “This is the women’s history class right?” and she smiled right away and said yeah it was and she wasn’t sure about that at first either.  From there we talked a lot about the crazy parking, expensive bridge toll I have to pay each day, the parking fee, about other classes and teachers we had that we really liked.  She was very outgoing and was very eager to talk to me.  I’m glad I broke the ice and found that out.  Her name is Priscilla.  The teacher for the class seems awesome- she wore a black and white checkered skirt with tights, and a bright red and white blouse.  The front bangs of her short hair are dyed blue too even though she’s probably a 40ish or so aged woman.  I could tell I was going to like her already.  She was nice too and was really into having us use creativity with our assignments.

Then I had US History before 1877.  I went into the class and there weren’t many people there so I just took a random seat in the second row near the middle.  Sometimes I like to leave it up to chance who will sit next to me instead of picking out someone to sit next to.  Usually that works out ok.  This time, it didn’t.  Two girls who were already friends came in and started planning where they could sit so they could have their two guy friends sit nearby.  They took the two seats in front of me, then had their guy friends sit behind them in the seats next to me.  They were really loud and disrespectful, and reminded me of how some of the “popular” people in high school would act.  They were putting their heads down and didn’t do the writing assignment, and when some people would speak up they would mock them quietly to each other.  It was really irritating sitting next to them.  I tried talking to the girl next to me a little, but she was kind of hard to talk to because I don’t think she knows much English.  She seemed to kind of want to keep to herself too and didn’t seem interested in talking.  The teacher was kind of monotone also, but he seems like a gentle spirit at least.

It was a great day overall though!  It was nice meeting different people and breaking the ice with them.

How Things Change with Time and Practice

My first class this semester, Art of the Cinema, started this past Wednesday morning. I took a seat in the middle of the room next to a guy wearing a newsboy hat in the beginning.  Looking around the class I wasn’t sure if was going to talk to anyone or not.  After sitting there a bit I finally asked the guy if this was the right textbook (if you don’t want to ask if this is the right class, you can always ask about the textbook to start talking to someone) and he smiled and said yeah. I introduced myself then and we shook hands.  He said his name is Jamison.  We talked a little from there.

Then class started and the teacher had us all get up out of our seats and go against the back wall to make a u-shape.  He had each of us introduce ourselves, say why we’re taking the class, and tell something we wouldn’t normally tell a stranger.  That last part made my mind race with what I could say that was revealing but not too revealing.  I didn’t have to go until near the end though and realized a lot of people were just giving a fact about themselves, so I said I love to go out swing dancing, which isn’t what I would tell someone I just met anyway unless it somehow came up.  I wasn’t nervous one bit funnily enough.

Then he had us go up to 5 people and introduce ourselves and shake hands, though I think I met at least 7 people.  Then he had us form a group of 7.  People scrambled to form groups and soon one girl and I were off to the side trying to find a group. Luckily 4 other people came over to us, then later another guy came so we became a team.  We then had to come up with a team name and were assigned a segment of film to focus on and present, and we got movement.  He had us all exchange names and numbers.  Then we watched The Aviator for a bit and he had us write notes about the director and about the elements of film we observed.  At the end he wanted us to discuss what we wrote with our group, but only the girl on my right and I actually discussed it and the others didn’t say anything.

He had us pick a spokesperson to tell the class what we discussed then.  All the other groups went, and they each had confident, outspoken speakers who had a lot to say and obviously had some film background. It was a little intimidating listening to them.  Then he looked at my group, waiting.  We hadn’t designated a spokesperson, and all the others kept their mouths closed and stared ahead.  I waited a bit, then finally spoke up and talked about how the director was really pushy and controlling but also very determined to make his movie despite all the people who told him he should quit.  I talked about how he gets what he wants too, like in the scene where he gets the girl and the scene where he gets the clouds he wants for his movie background.  I also said how I really liked the music and costumes because I love swing dance and it made me want to be there back in time.  I heard one of my group members whisper, “She nailed it!” to his friend after I finished speaking.  The teacher remembered I had said that I liked swing dance, and asked what my favorite scene from the movie was.  I couldn’t think of one so I just said I liked the scenes with the jazz music and the singing.  (Now the whole class will have it engrained in their minds that I love swing dance!)

I didn’t feel nervous at all when I spoke for my group.  It was a big auditorium, like a mini movie theater, but I just didn’t feel intimidated for some reason.  I wasn’t nervous before the class even and to introduce myself to Jamison like I did initially.  I’m probably not going to see him again because we have assigned seats now, but it was good to break the ice with someone.  After giving several presentations in Toastmasters and my speech class last year, as well as introducing myself to several new people, these  things are much more natural for me.

Are there any things that used to make you nervous that you don’t feel nervous about as much or at all anymore?  What has helped you?

First Class Blogger Award

I recently got an email that I was selected to receive the First Class Blogger Award!

The description was as follows: Your blog was chosen by a committee of three bloggers who feel The Shyness Project exemplifies what a great blog can be. It is our belief that first class blogs are more about the effort and time the owner puts into their blog and less about its page rank or number of visitors it gets. 

Thank you!  To see the other first class blogs selected, go to this link.

Several bloggers have given me miscellaneous blogging awards as well, such as the Versatile Blogger Award, Lovely Blog Award, Candle Lighter Award, and so forth.  Thank you!  I really do appreciate it.  Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my blog and think of me for those awards.

Spending Time with Friends

A week ago on Monday I met up with my friend Jennifer who I hadn’t seen since the summer.  She wanted to meet at a Starbucks I’d never been to before, but I looked it up on google maps and found it without any trouble.  Although I haven’t been making trips too far away, all these little trips to new places have been helpful.  Eventually I want to try some longer distances.  When I first drove to both of my colleges last semester for the first days of school that was very nerve-racking, but now I feel comfortable driving to those places.

Last week on Thursday night I had my first yoga class, which was also in a new place I’d never been to, but I found it no problem as well.  When I got to the class there was a lady and a man sitting outside on chairs looking bored (the man was practically sleeping actually).  I went up to the lady and immediately asked her if this was the yoga class, then I sat down and we started talking from there.  That one question, “Is this the ____ class?” is often how I start talking to people I don’t know.  It works!  We talked the rest of the time while we were waiting and admitted that we were both yoga newbies and didn’t know what to expect.  When we started the class, we found out that it had actually started a week before even!  I was confused by that and she was too, but luckily we were able to stick together and catch up.  The class was alright.  I had trouble completely relaxing though because I wanted to check and see if I was doing the poses right. I think the more I do it the more I’ll be able to calm my mind and keep my eyes closed.  It was interesting though.  Some of the poses were a little difficult to hold but others I felt good with.

I’ve been pretty busy seeing a lot of friends lately.  I’ve been going out every day practically, and I’ve been loving it.  I saw my friend Doug and got to know Susie better when we went hiking/exploring together around a beach, which was cool.  It was a beautiful day and it was nice being out in the sunshine.  I went to Berkeley with Gabi, Isis, and Aaron on Friday too and that was fun.  UC Berkeley is a really beautiful campus.  I went swing dancing afterward that night and invited Gabi and Isis since we had room, and it was one of the best nights of dancing in a long time.  I danced a lot and had a lot of great dances.  I followed for some of the night, led for the other, danced east coast swing at times, then lindy hop, then some west coast, and then ended the night with some blues dancing.  I hadn’t danced blues much at all before, but one of my friends Stu helped explain to me the movement, and now I understand it much better.  It was fun!

I also went to a Belly Dance Performance recently with my friend Angela to see my friend Johanna (one of the friends I made at college when I was trying to make new friends!), and that was a great night.  Angela and I got lost and ended up going to the next city over, but eventually we found our way back and found a place to eat.  I was glad I wasn’t driving though because the directions were confusing and google maps didn’t work out this time.  Angela and I had a great night together and had a good bonding day discussing a lot of personal matters.  She’s like my sister and we can tell each other any and everything.  When we finally arrived at the performance place, we watched the show and had a great time.  Johanna did awesome and so did the other belly dancers.  The live band was really great to listen to and the belly dancing was really neat to watch.

I saw my friend K Tuesday too, who is also a friend I made at college when I was trying to make new friends.  I’ve hung out with K and Johanna the most from college and it’s great that I made two good friends so quickly.  I know we’re going to be long-time friends.  K and I played tennis and it was fun, though very tiring.  Despite running and walking every day I forgot how intense tennis can be.  We rallied a while and then played 2 out of 3 games.  K wanted to bet something so he bet that the loser would buy coffee, but I won so he ended up having to buy his own coffee and buying me hot chocolate.  It was fun and it was nice walking around and showing him my town.  He excitedly asked if I had my camera and I said yes, and so of course we took a lot of pictures (like the one posted here).  Picture taking is a simple activity but it’s a lot of fun when you use creativity for your poses and people tend to know that I love pictures and love taking them with me.

So I’ve been busy seeing a lot of friends, and it’s been great because I hadn’t seen a lot of them in a while.  The winter break is about to end soon though so we will all be more busy with school soon.  I also went to Toastmasters recently and tried the Timer role for once, and at first I was confused but eventually I figured out how the set-ups worked.  I still got called up for an impromptu speech with Table Topics though.  I had been hoping I wouldn’t be picked since I hadn’t been in a while and Table Topics is still the most nerve-racking part of Toastmasters, but I responded to the question, “What would you do if you won 10 million dollars?” and spoke for a little under two minutes, then sat back down.  I pulled every idea of what I would do out of my head though I didn’t really have any time to plan or think about what I wanted to say.  I said more “um’s” than usual because it had been a while since I’d been to Toastmasters, but funnily enough I ended up winning “Best Table Topics speaker”, which was reassuring and encouraging.  I also recently had to call for an appointment with a counselor at one of my colleges, and I still felt that familiar nervous feeling, but I made the call and set up an appointment for myself.  The woman I spoke to was a little rude and huffy, but I understand because it’s probably not a fun job dealing with students all day and scheduling appointments.  Those are some updates of how things have been going post-project.

Driving to New Places

As a part of my independence work, I’ve been driving to some new places.  So far it’s been a good experience and I haven’t had any problems.

Two weeks ago on Wednesday I caught up with my friend Emily and I picked her up so we could go to the movies. I’d never driven to the movies before so it was a new experience, as usually someone else drives.  I got directions from my dad and it was easier than I thought to get there.  We saw New Years Eve, which was alright, but I think it had too many big names and jumped around too much.  It was nice hanging out with her though and seeing her before she left for college again.

On the Sunday of that week I went to a birthday party as well, and drove to my friend Gabi’s house for the first time at night.  I’d always had my dad drop me off before because I thought it would be confusing trying to get there.  I used google maps and found it just fine though, even though it was hard to see some street signs in the dark.  It helped that I had zoomed into the online map beforehand and had seen which streets I would be passing before I turned so I could recognize that I was going the right way.  I arrived a little early, but when I went in there were already a bunch of people there helping with the food preparations so I joined them.  I hadn’t seen any of them since high school graduation day, but we all got along well and it was nice.  We ate delicious homemade pizzas Gabi made as well as some other wonderful homemade treats.  I also made a new friend Isis, who is from Brazil and has only been here since this past December but is already practically fluent in English.  She came in and sat at the table with us as they were finishing making food and I wanted to make her feel welcome, so I asked her about her New Years to start.  We ended up talking the rest of the night and she’s a really sweet person who has been to a lot of different countries.

Each experience driving to new places has been helpful.  My main fear with driving to new places is getting lost or getting in an accident.  I do prefer to have a friend with me though if it’s possible so if I do get lost it’s less stressful for me and I can have someone help me with the directions.  How do you feel about driving to new places?  Do you prefer to go with a friend?  Do you invest in a GPS?  It would be interesting to hear your experiences, especially when you first started driving more.

What are Your Plans for the New Year?

Normally I love making a long list of things to improve on for New Years, but this year I kept things more casual.  I decided to give the classic “exercise more, eat healthier” endeavor another go, though this time I see it more as a life-change or habit-change than a temporary resolution.  I’ve been doing at least 20 minutes a day of exercise, usually 10 minutes walking and 10 minutes running, then occasionally some crunches, push-ups, and light weights.  Twenty minutes is a nice, easy number and it’s something I can incorporate into my everyday life.  So far I’ve done it every day and have been feeling amazing.  It’s only been a routine for a short amount of time but I feel a lot stronger and fit already. If I miss a day or decide to do workouts at home instead of going out to the park though, I don’t berate myself.  The key is to enjoy what I’m doing and not have it become something I dread doing.  It shouldn’t become a test of willpower.

Exercise is great for reducing stress and anxiety.  It boosts your mood and confidence, and strengthens your heart too.  In addition it is also a great distraction from your negative thoughts and allows you some time to think more clearly.  If you don’t like walking or running, you can always play sports, dance, follow exercise videos, or take an exercise class.  Gardening is also a great work out if you enjoy that. Or you can simply park further away from work or school or take the stairs instead of the elevator if it seems reasonable to do so.  You don’t have to exercise every day but it’s good to aim for at least three times a week if you want to fully enjoy the benefits of it.

I’ve noticed that after I exercise, I actually want to eat healthy foods instead of junk foods too.  I’m also choosing to drink more water.  I already eat healthy for the most part though, but choosing to skip the pop-tart one afternoon and go for the apple instead for instance, or choosing water over a soft drink, are little things that count for something.

Besides incorporating regular fitness and health, I’m working on learning to drive to more places and building independence.  I’m also working on writing a book while continuing to learn more about shyness and social anxiety.  And above all I’m choosing to live life to the fullest this year without limits or doubts bringing me down.

How is your New Year going?  Have you added in any changes to your life or set any new goals?  I’d love to hear about them.

What do you want in a one-year project book?

Writing a book is much harder than writing a blog.

For one, blog posts are short.  They don’t have to connect together and transition smoothly from post to post.  Book chapters do.

I did not post every thought I had or action I took on this blog.  I wrote about a lot of my experiences but not all.  So now I am gathering what I can find on my computer and my journal and notebooks in search of all that I have written down this year.  I want to know exactly what I was thinking early on in 2011 so I can express my thoughts accurately in the book.

I wrote a draft of the first chapter a while ago one night in a writing frenzy, but now when I am trying to write chapter 2, I am struggling to find the right words. Who knew writer’s block could come so fast?

I think I might need more time to research and reflect before going further, or to skip a part of it for now and focus on another part.  I’m not worried, but I just thought I would share for those of you interested in writing a book someday.  Book writing is very different from blog writing, though blogging first has definitely given me an advantage.

While I gather my thoughts and do some more preparation, what are your thoughts on what you would like to be included in this book?  Would you be interested in reading my experiences straight through with the things I learned along the way and tips I found useful, or would you like there to be more “self-help” aspects involved?  Would you want to read say, my experience with talking to strangers, and then a separate chapter from an expert that shifts the focus to strategies on how you can do it too?   I’m thinking of how I can make the book flow smoothly but be the most effective at the same time. I definitely want to include interesting and helpful studies that have been done, inspiring or thought-provoking quotes, psychological theories and explanations, some others’ experiences, statistics I can find, and tips I’ve found personally helpful or others I know have found helpful.  And I’ll include all that I learned and the realizations I had in more depth. But I’d like to hear your input too and what you’ve enjoyed about other memoirs or books with a self-improvement basis.  Because I don’t want to write this just for the sake of writing a book, I want it to write it to comfort and help motivate people.

I was reading several of the reviews on The Happiness Project’s page and it made me think about what other people want in a book.  Some are very happy with reading her memoir and can take inspiration out of what she’s done, while others are upset that it was self-centered and her realizations were too obvious. (Realizations often are obvious, but experience really makes you understand the obvious and why certain things are said over and over.)

http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/006158326X/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Then there’s Jamie Blyth’s book Fear is No Longer My Reality which mixes his story with advice from experts.  I read it and enjoyed the story but found it was kind of distracting jumping from his voice to the voice of experts throughout the chapters.  If I did include expert advice I would want to find a way for it to transition more smoothly and not seem like it was interrupting the flow.  I want it to read like a good story that people can read and take away from it what they want.

http://www.amazon.com/Fear-No-Longer-My-Reality/dp/0071737898/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325535865&sr=8-1

So please share your thoughts on all this.  Thank you and I look forward to the discussions!

The One-Year is Up: How I Got Here and What I Learned

Now that you’ve read the stories of some of the wonderful people I’ve met along this blogging journey, I thought I should disclose my own story here as well.  I have some new readers now who may not know my story and why I felt a need to start this blog in the first place.

In school, I’ve often been labeled as the shy or quiet one.  I would hear this from other students, teachers- sometimes even strangers.  I heard it so much that I felt like it was something that was forever going to be engrained in my identity.  But I didn’t believe the shy or quiet label was right for me.  I knew there was so much more to me than most people could see.

My worst year was in 6^th grade, when I was bullied.  My carpool group turned on me midyear and I became their daily target. They made me feel inferior to them, like a loser.  They disliked me for being quiet and too good-natured.  I had food thrown at me, was often ditched, was told I was a follower, was shut out from their conversations, was prank called, and was even the subject of a cyber bullying forum that I discovered near the end of the year.  I was devastated and deeply hurt.

By 8^th grade, however, I found my place and made a good group of friends who accepted and loved me for who I was.  I was finally happy and had found my niche.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school.  The first semester had just ended, and I realized that very soon I would be graduating high school and entering college.

I had a little bit of a breakdown.  I couldn’t believe I really was going to be leaving high school. I was going to be an adult soon.  I would have to get serious about deciding on a major and a career, and I would have to have some sort of plan for college.

But what would my life be like after high school?  Would I find the courage to do the things I’d always wanted to do in life?  Or would I be doomed to live a safe, but limited life ruled by fears?

I wanted to travel to different countries, and maybe even teach abroad.  I had always felt like there was so much to learn from other cultures and I wanted to learn more about the world. Also, I wanted to write a book.  I’d read several one-year project books and felt very inspired by them.  I wanted to do a one-year project of my own.

But I doubted that I would ever be able to do either of these things.  I figured the interviewer for the teaching job would think I was too shy or quiet and wouldn’t want me to be a teacher.  And even if I passed the interview, I didn’t see how I was going to be able to muster up the courage to stand in front of the room and teach each day.  And for the one-year project and book, I doubted that would ever happen.  I didn’t think I would have the tenacity to stick with one goal and see through it all the way to the end of the year.

My future looked bleak.  Others knew me to be a high-achieving, confident, model student, but underneath it all I feared I wasn’t going to have the courage to live the life I wanted to live.  I was going to end up playing it safe and compromising my dreams for safety and security.  I was going to live a “shy” life.

So when New Years Day came, I sat down and really thought.  I told myself, if I could only choose one goal to focus on this year to improve my life, what would it be?

I realized that shyness had held me down the most.  I felt like it was something I would never be rid of, and it would forever define me and control my life.  What if I spent the whole year focusing on my shyness?  Could I be rid of it?  Would it free up my future?

And what if I shared my journey on a blog and then wrote a book about it?  Then I could finally write a one-year project book, and it would be on a subject I know very well.

But I realized that this was probably just some idealistic idea that I would never follow through with.  I’d never even talked about shyness before.  I avoided all conversations about it and would never mention when I felt shy or nervous.  I knew people would be surprised to know about the simple things that I struggled with.

I decided to develop a plan anyway.  I checked out several books on shyness and read many internet posts on the subject.  I brainstormed ideas of what I could do for the year and what fears I had that I could confront.  The mere thought of confronting any of them made me feel nauseous, but I kept researching and writing.

Then it was New Years Eve, and I had my initial plan ready.  I was scared to start the project because I feared failure, but I knew that I shouldn’t let the fear of failure keep me from trying.  I decided to take a chance and dedicate 2011 to overcoming my shyness.

And I’m very glad I did.  I’ve learned an incredible amount of lessons in a relatively short amount of time from doing this project.  I started with talking to strangers, then focused on improving my friendships, then I started actively participating in class, then I began dressing outside of my comfort zone, then I shared vulnerabilities with friends and increased my energy all the while with exercise, then I joined Toastmasters and practiced public speaking (as well as took a college speech class), then I made an effort to make new friends in community college, then I tried some new things, then I faced my fear of the phone, and then I shared the stories of several of the people I’ve met along the way.

I’ve gained a tremendous amount of confidence from taking myself out of my comfort zone this year.  On the last day of my career/life planning class this semester, we were asked to go around and write a compliment or something about the person that you’ve learned this year.  This activity made me nervous because I feared the “Q” or “S” word would dominate my list like it once had in the past in a similar activity. But in fact, there was no sign of either of those words from my peers.  The words they used to describe me were confident (which appeared twice), driven, changing the world, poised, great smile, nice, dependable, responsible, kind, patient, passionate, so sweet, honest, and respectful.  It felt great to know that I finally was allowing others to see the real, complex me.

From sharing my experiences with shyness and social anxiety, I’ve realized how incredibly common these experiences are.  I know it doesn’t seem like it- it didn’t seem like it to me before either.  But let me tell you why we think that.  We think that because people don’t talk about this.  It’s seen as embarrassing or shameful to have these experiences and by admitting to having them you make yourself vulnerable to criticism to get over it, or for someone to feel sorry for you or try to give you advice that you may not want to hear from them.  Others may not be very understanding or able to relate.  This is why I’ve never talked about shyness or anxiety.  But now I’ve written a whole blog on this, I’ve talked to friends and family about this, I’ve talked to strangers about this, and I’ve even given a speech on it.  And do you know what I’ve found?  Almost everyone I’ve talked to about this could relate in some way.  People I would have never in my wildest dreams thought of as shy or quiet have told me tales from their youth, or even tales from their present.  But I never would have been told or trusted with this information if I had never shared my experiences with them first.

And because I’ve made myself vulnerable and shared my experiences, I’ve felt more connected and closer to people than I have in my whole life.  I’ve gotten closer with my friends and made new friends even, I’ve become a better writer and speaker, and I’ve gained a lot of confidence.  I truly believe that I am not a person defined by labels anymore.  I believe I can do anything, and that nothing is holding me back.

So you may be wondering, did this project “cure” my shyness and social anxiety?  Well, that is not a simple question to answer.  I don’t believe it’s something that can be cured, nor does it need to be completely cured.  I’ve come to learn about all the benefits of having these experiences and all the positives and not just the negatives.  These experiences have allowed me to genuinely connect with people, to be more understanding and empathetic to others, to be a better listener, to be humble, and to find inner courage when experiencing fear.  I am confident, passionate, and driven, though there will always be a part of me that can relate to those considered shy or quiet.  There will always be things that I can improve upon and will have to keep working on to maintain my progress.  But I am in control of my life now, and I no longer doubt my future.  I’m excited and ready to truly live the life I’ve always dreamed of- free spirited and out to make a difference in the world.

I know that for many people, a year might not be enough time to experience the results I did.  But just because it was a success for me does not mean that I won’t get nervous for a speech, that I won’t get nervous for making certain phone calls, or that I won’t feel somewhat uncomfortable in certain situations.  For me, the biggest success was not in completely overcoming my fears, but in proving to myself that I could overcome them when needed.  This belief was strengthened throughout a year of building confidence and gaining positive experiences in situations that I once had very little confidence or experience in.

In 2012 I will be writing The Shyness Project book. I’ve never written a book before and I’m excited for the chance to get to share this story with more people. There were several things that I didn’t have time to post and elaborate on and I’m eager to share those additional experiences there.  I’ll keep up this blog along the way to share more of what I learned to try and help others.  I want to build a support network and community for all those struggling with things I and many others have struggled with.  Because I think what would have helped me most growing up was realizing that I wasn’t alone. Thank you for reading and supporting my journey of personal growth.  I can’t express how great it was to meet and truly connect with several of you who I would have never gotten a chance to meet before.  I feel like I’ve made real and meaningful friendships.  And I want to emphasize that this project would NOT have been possible without you and your support.  This project was bigger than me and by supporting and interacting with me through this blog, we made this site a valuable resource for many people to come.  I look forward to sharing what we’ve created here in a book so more people can be a part of this experience.

I hope you all have a Happy New Year and that you take a chance in 2012 and aspire to do something you’ve always dreamed of doing.  We are all capable of accomplishing great things if we dedicate ourselves to something we are passionate about.

“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”  ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

Successfully Shy: Sharing Her Story and Helping Others

I met Barb in late July after she found my site through some of the comments I’d made on Susan Cain’s Power of Introverts blog.  After she requested I send her an email, I sent her one without knowing what to expect.  Turns out that email started our lengthy constant email discussions from there on out.  We became very close through all we were disclosing and sharing in our emails and reading each others blogs.  We’ve talked on the phone as well and have sent some hand-written notes to each other. She has also posted about me from time to time on her WordPress blog and even interviewed me for her Psychology Today blog.  I am very grateful for her enthusiasm and support for my project as well as her endearing friendship.  Here’s her story:

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I still remember one horrible day in high school when a math teacher called attention to my quietness. He told the whole class that I was the quietest student he’d ever had in his 22 years of teaching. Of course, everyone turned around to look at me, as if I was some kind of freak. I felt humiliated and ashamed. I truly believed there was something wrong with me. It didn’t even cross my mind that there was something wrong with a teacher who would make such a statement.

Unfortunately, I received more feedback like that from teachers, and it almost cost me my career.

I made it though my undergraduate years, not having to talk in classes. I was smart, and easily made good grades. But when I got to graduate school, everything changed. I was in a doctoral level clinical psychology program. Most of the classes were small discussion groups. During the second semester of my first year, the clinical director called me into her office and told me that if I didn’t participate more (i.e. stop being so quiet), my standing in the program was in jeopardy.

Of course, I freaked out. What was I going to do? I daily experienced intense anxiety in these classes—my stomach hurt, my face felt hot, my heart raced. I would try to think of something to say, but usually by the time I got up my nerve to make my point, someone else would have jumped in ahead of me. I wasn’t good at interrupting, that’s for sure. And no one really paused long enough for me to get a word in.

So what did I do? I did what any good psychology graduate student would do: I went into therapy. Fortunately, I found a wonderful female therapist who was supportive and encouraging. We worked together individually, but she also mentioned that she had an ongoing women’s therapy group that I could join. I was apprehensive, but also intrigued. I joined the group and attended weekly. Each Wednesday evening I listened intently to the other women in the group share what they were working on, and each week I didn’t say a word. I truly don’t remember for how long this went on. My memory says it was months, but maybe it was only weeks.  One night, though, it was like some sort of intervention you’d see on a reality TV show (but in a really nice way). None of the women would let me leave until I said something—anything. I don’t remember the details, except that I spoke. After that, the ice was broken, and I didn’t shut up.

The trick, though, was how to generalize my talking in the women’s group to talking in my classes in school. It actually didn’t happen until the next year when I started over with new classes, new teachers, and a different combination of students. It was easier then to be the “new me.” I remember having one professor who thought my insights about clients/cases we discussed were brilliant. It was thrilling to begin sharing my thoughts and ideas and have them validated as being important contributions.

Fast forward. I have successfully finished graduate school, completed a postdoctoral fellowship at St. Louis University Medical Center’s Anxiety Disorders Center, and have co-authored Dying of Embarrassment, the first self-help book ever written on social phobia (now called social anxiety disorder).  When I proposed the book idea to my colleagues and the publisher, I never even contemplated telling anyone about my own lifelong struggles with shyness and social anxiety. After all, I was now an “expert.” How could I have difficulty with public speaking, participating in meetings, or going to social events? I thought it was okay to help other people face their fears, but it wasn’t okay to admit I’d struggled with these same situations myself.

After the book’s publication, I promoted Dying of Embarrassment and received much satisfaction from knowing I was helping people learn more about this neglected and misunderstood problem. I continued to feel, however, as if I was doing others with social anxiety a disservice by not sharing my own experiences.

It wasn’t until years later, when I wrote Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life, did I muster the courage to share my own story. I wanted to be honest, and I wanted to let people know they are not alone. Most of all, I wanted people to know there is hope. In addition to writing Painfully Shy, I participated in a documentary called Afraid of People, in which I talked openly (not to mention I cried on camera—ugh) about my experiences with not only anxiety, but also depression.

Aside from one negative book review in which the writer said my personal stories were “distracting,” the majority of feedback I’ve received is positive. I’m not sorry I crossed the line from being simply the “expert” to being a human being with real-life problems. I now realize, I can be an expert AND someone who still struggles from time to time.

I feel like I’ve rambled a bit—thank you for indulging me!  In closing, I want to leave you with a few take-away points:

• While there may be some careers that will suit your personality better than others, you do not have to let shyness hold you back from doing whatever you want to do.
• Remember, the world needs your ideas! As much as I dreaded and hated participating in classes, once I did, I realized I had valuable contributions to make. If only the naturally outgoing people speak up, we’re going to miss out on some important perspectives.
• Find support wherever you can. For me, it was that women’s therapy group. (With managed health care, such long-term therapy groups are a rarity these days.) But you might be able to find a support group. And now there are plenty of online options for reaching out, such as blogs like Brittany’s!
• The path is not a straight one. I still have days where I want to crawl in a hole and not talk to anyone! That doesn’t diminish how far I’ve come.
• And finally, it is only by sharing our vulnerabilities that we can truly connect with others in a profound and meaningful way.

“Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
- Brené Brown

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To read more of Barb’s posts, you can visit her wordpress blog or her Psychology Today blog. She is the author of four books on shyness and social anxiety and is a nationally recognized expert.  Not to mention, she’s extremely kind and thoughtful and she’s someone who you will be very lucky to get a chance to know.  She has a lot of great posts on shyness and social anxiety that you will enjoy reading if you can relate in any way or have an interest in that subject.